Once upon a time, monster showdowns were all the rage. Thanks to their place in the public domain, you could pretty much see Dracula doing battle with Frankenstein or the Wolfman putting a stranglehold on the Invisible Man every Saturday at the matinee. In this age of licensing issues, copyrights, and hyper-litigiousness, though, big throwdowns are so rare that people who were in middle school when Freddy vs. Jason came out are now old enough to have nearly teenage children of their own. And while movie studios could just set aside petty differences and contract disputes and say, “Hey, why don’t we just make a —- ton of money?” odds are it’ll be a very long time—if ever—before we get another battle of the horror icons. That said, in a perfect world, here are some showdowns I’d love to see.
MICHAEL MEYERS VS. JASON
Susie Meyers, Michael’s long-lost eighth cousin twice removed, has taken a job as an employee at Camp Crystal Lake Haunted House, a Halloween attraction set up at the site of the infamous murders. Thought to be in poor taste by the locals, an evil 80s businessman thinks it’s a great way to turn a quick buck, playing on the public’s endless thirst for sensationalism and tragedy. Unfortunately for the revelers and employees alike, Susie’s presence acts as a lure for her evil cousin, who’s finally worked his way through the more immediate branches of his family tree and is hell-bent on doing some extra pruning. Everyone gets caught in the middle when Jason is awakened from his watery grave, turning him into an unlikely savior as he sets his sites on the bogeyman invading his turf.
LEATHERFACE VS. NORMAN BATES
Norman Bates is out of the insane asylum (again) and just wants to become a peaceful hotelier (again). Deciding what he really needs is a change of scenery, he buys into a small bed and breakfast in the Texas hill country, going into business with its barbecue obsessed proprietor. Unbeknownst to Norman, the establishment is a front for Leatherface’s cannibal hillbilly clan, and guests are less likely to end up at the continental breakfast than they are to end up in it. Uncovering the horrors happening under his nose awakens the wrath of the Mrs. Bates personality, who decides there can only be one homicidal, cross-dressing innkeeper in town. Who will win the battle between chainsaw and butcher knife, caftan and pinafore?
FREDDY VS. PINHEAD VS. ASH
The 1980s two smartest slashers come face-to-mutilated-face when Freddy becomes convinced that the Lament Configuration can act as a conduit between all dimensions, and allow him to move between the dream world and the real world at will. Haunting the nightmares of the world’s most depraved minds, he sets them on a nightmarish quest to track down the box and open it while sleepwalking to give him access to the Cenobite realm. A plot contrivance involving a broken-down truck, a cabin in the woods, and a wayward stripper fleeing from Freddy’s army of perverts serves to bring Ash into the mix, and he finds himself on yet another quest for a forbidden relic. In between bad puns and hitting on Kirsty Cotton (hey, she’s gotta be in this, too), Ash does battle with the forces of darkness and… darkness, trying to find a way to prevent Freddy from opening the box and Pinhead from wreaking his own special brand of chain-related havoc.
PATRICK BATEMAN VS. HANNIBAL LECTER
After an embarrassing public incident involving a can of ham and a telephone booth, Patrick Bateman is ordered to weekly sessions with court-appointed psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Tapping into Bateman’s warped psyche, Lecter begins using him as a conduit to carry out his own twisted fantasies by-proxy, in between exchanging pertinent fashion advice and discussing the finer points of dining etiquette. When Bateman’s recklessness threatens to expose his own crimes, though, Lecter must set out to put down the mad dog he created. Meanwhile, the crime spree is investigated by rookie FBI agent Clarice Starling, whose buttoned-down, by-the-book attitude clashes with that of her rugged, laisse faire partner, Will Graham. The sexual tension and the body count build as all four are inexorably drawn to a climactic showdown at New York Fashion Week.
BILLY VS. CHUCKY VS. BLADE
One’s a serial killer in a doll’s body. One’s a dummy on a tricycle. The other’s an animate, homicidal puppet. When they… I dunno. They’re all toys. Billy’s cool. I like Blade’s hat. I’ve run out of ideas.
What horror showdown would you like to see?