What we’re going to do here today is determine which horror movie monster you are. Well, let me rephrase. You are you. This doesn’t change that. What we’re going to do here is determine which horror movie monster your own personal ideology most closely aligns with.
There are four potential movie monsters that you could end up being paired with, though I’m not going to tell you which ones until the end. I don’t want you trying to juke the results. I mean, if you’re already trying to cheat on this test then I hate you and I already consider you a monster. You can probably figure it out on your own anyway. You know yourself better than I do.
In order to unlock the monster that lives within you, it may be helpful to follow along with pen and paper. In fact, if you don’t need pen and paper, you’re probably one of those people who are very good at math, in which case I hate you and already consider you a monster.
In total, there are five questions. It won’t take long to change the way you look at yourself forever. At the end of the exam, add up the total number of points you received and follow the key to receive your answer. Good luck.
Let’s assume for a moment that you’ve been hired as a nanny. The family that has hired you is very wealthy. This family, we’ll call them the McAllister’s, live in a very large mansion in an expansive suburb outside of a large metropolitan area. The children, Kevin, Buzz, and Tracy, equally rambunctious and precocious, can be very pushy and assertive when challenged, on a count of their cushy upbringing. One night, both dark and stormy, the children have asked you to order them a pizza despite their parent’s insistence that they start eating healthier. You don’t want to upset the parents, but you’re also nervous the children might revolt if you stand up to them. What do you do?
- (1 Point) Stare at the children, blankly, for an hour. Eventually, your unwavering indifference will startle them into better behavior.
- (2 Points) Get the kids the pizza. The more they eat, the more tired they become. They’ll be out of your hair if they just go to sleep.
- (3 Points) Go outside and ring the doorbell as if you were the pizza delivery man. Disappear by the time the children arrive at the door. Do this two or three more times until they panic, begging for you to return.
- (4 Points) Order the pizza. Let them eat the pizza. Then eat those fucking kids.
You’re in a movie theater. A young man runs into the dark, crowded auditorium and yells, “FIRE!!!”. In all likelihood, it’s a prank-though maybe not. So what do you do?
- (1 Point) Stand up and walk slowly and calmly towards the exit. Do not get distracted. Move forward no matter what’s going on around you.
- (2 Points) You aren’t messing around with fire. Not anymore. No thank you. Get the hell out of there as fast as you can.
- (3 Points) LOL. You were the one that yelled fire in the first place. There’s no fire. Classic!
- (4 Points) People are afraid of fire. People are also drawn to fire. It’s inviting and repulsive. Isn’t that odd? Isn’t it interesting that something as deadly and uncontrollable as fire is a thing that we covet in our lives? Isn’t it strange that even though we know it can kill us, we build fireplaces in our homes? This juxtaposition is curious. You make a note of it.
What’s your favorite Beyoncé song? I know, impossible question. What’s Question Four going to be? Pick your favorite kid? Ha-Ha. I hear you. Just play along though.
- (1 Point) Speechless (Dangerous in Love) Sample lyric: My heart starts trembling/As I hear your footsteps pace/Lock opens, doorknob turns/There appeared your face
- (2 Points) Sweet Dreams (I Am…Sasha Fierce) Sample lyric: What kind of dream is this? You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
- (3 Points) Video Phone (I Am…Sasha Fierce) Sample lyric: On your video phone/make a cameo/tape me on your video phone/I can handle you
- (4 Points) Disappear (I Am…Sasha Fierce) Sample lyric: I try to reach for you…I can almost feel you/You’re nearly here/And then you disappear…disappear…disappear
You’ve just won the lottery. After paying off your student loans (very responsible), upgrading your vehicle, and taking care of your mother, you’ve decided to splurge on real estate. Choose your dream home.
- (1 Point) Preferably, you’d like to live in the suburbs, with big trees in your yard and a white picket fence out front. You’re a bit of a shopaholic. You’d like ample closet space. Lots of little nooks and crannies. Other than that, you’d prefer to keep things simple, straightforward, without anything too showy or gaudy.
- (2 Points) You aren’t picky. You don’t have a “dream home”. You’re much more interested in what other people’s dream homes are. You think about it a lot. If you could visit everyone’s dream home, you would. You’d like that quite a bit.
- (3 Points) You’re young at heart. You want a big ol’ party house. Maybe a pool out back with a diving board and a hot tub. Couple spare bedrooms in case the kegs tap into some hidden desires, if you know what I mean. Friends are welcome. Try to enjoy yourselves.
- (4 Points) You’re a fixer-upper. Even though you have the means now to live anywhere in the world, you’d still like to get your hands dirty. You’ll take someplace old and abandoned and creaky and dark and fix it up nice, eventually.
You and a Tinder match are going out on your first date. They’ve asked you to plan the evening. What’s the move?
- (1 Point) Go for a walk. You aren’t much of a talker, but you find that getting outside, away from technology and the din of a crowded restaurant is the best way to get to know someone. You’ll cruise around town on foot, saying little but still connecting. Perhaps you’ll visit the house you grew up in an effort to show your date what makes you “YOU”. Maybe they’ll understand.
- (2 Points) Tinder? You want me to plan a Tinder “date”!? This isn’t eHarmony. This isn’t speed dating. I’m using Tinder for one thing and one thing only, getting young and beautiful people to bed as quickly as possible. The magic happens between the sheets.
- (3 Points) You love playing games. You’ll invite the date over for game night. You’re only concern is that you take game playing very, very seriously. Deathly serious, you’ve heard.
- (4 Points) You’d like to go to a fair or a carnival. Maybe you could win them a balloon. They’d like that, wouldn’t they?
The end! You made it. Let’s see how you did.
IF YOU RECEIVED 5 POINTS OR LESS, YOU ARE…
You are slow, methodical, deliberate. You aren’t much of a talker. Certainly a bit of a loner. You’re a little boring, to be honest. In fact, you’re so boring that it’s a little unnerving. Wait a minute, does your overall boringness secretly make you very interesting? Charming, even? Wow. You are a mystery.
IF YOU RECEIVED BETWEEN 6 AND 10 POINTS, YOU ARE…
Good lord, you’re a real psychopath. You’re interested in the subconscious of those around you. Way too interested, actually. You probably keep a dream diary. You obsess over your horoscope. You’re the type of person that would be cool and fun and different to hang around for about an hour before everyone around you feels extremely uneasy.
IF YOU RECEIVED BETWEEN 11 AND 15 POINTS, YOU ARE…
You know what? You’re not so bad. Probably the class clown-definitely a little bit annoying but I think you’d be an absolute blast to hang around with. Making prank calls, streaking through the quad, a real life of the party. Until you murder everyone at the party.
IF YOU RECEIVED BETWEEN 16 AND 20 POINTS, YOU ARE…
Pennywise The Dancing Clown!
You’re a fucking creep, man. I don’t know what else to tell you. Leave the kids alone, leave me alone, leave everyone alone. I’m begging you.