As with many other things in my life, I am completely unashamed about being a Trekkie. I literally grew up on it. Back in the 80s, while other kids worshipped GI Joe, the Enterprise crew were my childhood heroes. Wednesday Addams may have been my first crush, but Counselor Troi wasn’t far behind. I own a Starfleet uniform and have worn it to conventions. Oh yeah—that thing about being completely without shame? Totally true.
That being said, I’ve noticed—both in myself and my interactions with other fans—that the iteration of Star Trek a person likes often tells you a lot about the person themselves, the way that Mia Wallace muses you can tell a lot about a person based on whether they like The Beatles or Elvis. So, I thought I would take a highly unscientific look at the different Trek franchises, and what each one says about its’ specific fans. These are, of course, broad, sweeping generalizations based solely on the hard, empirical data of “the Trekkies I personally know,” so, please, take this with a grain of quadrotriticale.
THE ORIGINAL SERIES
You’re a bit of a traditionalist. You’re not necessarily opposed to what’s come after, but, in your mind, there’s no improving on perfection, and things were perfect the first time around. They called it The Golden Age of Sci-Fi for a reason, and you’ll wave your well-worn copies of Ellison, Asimov, and Clarke to prove it. You’re maybe a little older and/or more conservative than some of your friends, but you don’t consider “liberal” an insult, either… Well, maybe just a little bit. You’re generally egalitarian but pay a little more credence to gender roles than is socially acceptable, though since you tend to hang out with people with similar views, it doesn’t tend to be an issue. Even if you aren’t, you at least see yourself in a rugged sort of way—Kirk only had two close friends and so do you. You are the Trekkie most likely to have served in the military or law enforcement and have the mustache to prove it. You may raise hell when the opportunity presents itself but duty, responsibility, and obligation are at the top of your list of priorities. You’re either among the most avid Trekkies walking the face of the earth, or among the most casual. Either way, you kick it old school. Class of ’66 FTW.
You favor your women green and your men shirtless.
Favorite Music Genre: Folk rock, dad rock, prog rock
THE NEXT GENERATION
You’re something of a romantic. While the original series was more about the hard sci-fi and had the mordant tone often found in period literature, there are much fewer dark endings to be found here and much more optimistic exploration and discovery of new worlds. That romantic streak also comes with a healthy dose of nostalgia—not for the past necessarily but your own. You value what’s come before, but, you’re more comfortable building on a legacy rather than living up to it. Kirk was great, sure, but as a pioneer, not an explorer. Punching things while topless isn’t how you unlock the secrets of the universe–you’re a scholar, not a barfighter, dammit. Not that you aren’t a lover, too, but you keep that on the DL. Ladies and gentlemen don’t seduce and tell, and, besides, all of your affairs are of the passionate and doomed variety, not one-and-dones you brag about the next morning. You value intimate relationships with multiple people rather than one or two close friendships—to you, family isn’t just what you’re born into, it’s what you make with the people who matter, whether they’re white, black, Asian, or Klingon. To you, Star Trek is about wonder, hope, and possibility, and TNG has got that in spades, plus an android thrown in for good measure. Because androids are awesome.
You favor your women redheaded and feisty or Greek and randy; your men bald and scholarly or bearded and randy.
Favorite Music Genre: Synthpop, bubblegum pop, EDM
DEEP SPACE NINE
You’re something of a pessimist—at least that’s what your friends would say. You see yourself as a pragmatist—life is awful and then you die, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to try and make things better in between. Oh, and all of that utopian stuff from The Original Series and The Next Generation? Sure, it’s a nice idea, but you knew that there was something dark lurking beneath the surface all along, and, guess what? You were totes right. Life isn’t about the journey, it’s about the struggle—every day above ground is a good day, amiright? Diplomats like Picard are all well and good for scientific expeditions and negotiating treaties, but out here, where things are real, you need a fighter, just like Captain Sisko. Would Kirk or Picard assassinate someone and then blame it on the Dominion to get military support? Hell no—but thankfully, you’re around to plant that explosive on the Romulan shuttle, because you’re the Trekkie with the leather jacket and the surprisingly high number of hookups. When you read, it’s probably Russian and thicker than the phone book. You’re the Trekkie other Trekkies want around when people are throwing shade, because you are metal as fuck and you don’t take any of that shit.
You favor your men and women dark, complicated, and sexually voracious.
Favorite Music Genres: Something you’ve probably never heard of.
You’re something of a forgiving soul. You see the good in everyone and everything, man, even while you shake your head and watch people and things fall apart around you. A tough female captain, our first real look at the Delta Quadrant, and a return to spacefaring exploration? Oh, yeah, all the ingredients were there for something killer, man. Instead, we got TOS/TNG/DS9 redux. But you’re OK with status quos and rehashing the past. You’ve fallen into a comfortable routine with the same partner you’ve been with for fifteen years, but comfortable is the operative word here. You like a little bit of novelty, but, like, not too much—Species 8472 is fine, but, hey, let’s bring Barclay and Riker back. And Q. Remember how cool Q was? Let’s bring back Q. Things that worked once worked for a reason; why can’t they work again, even if that does mean occasionally going warp ten and turning into space axolotls? Oh yeah, that happened, and you were totally OK with it, because they were at least trying, and trying is what matters, right? Other Trekkies cry on your shoulder, because no judgment, man. No judgement here.
Either that, or you were there for Seven of Nine. Admit it—some of you were just there for Seven of Nine.
You prefer your women headstrong or catsuited and your men non-threatening.
Favorite Music Genres: It’s all good, man.
You’re something of a dilettante. Oh, you’re welcome at the Trek convention, but odds are you’re not attending it, unless it’s with a friend and/or partner. Enterprise was Star Trek for people who don’t really like Star Trek, after all, and while you watched and loved every episode (except the finale—what was up with that?), you probably won’t be watching the rest of the franchise anytime soon. You got pulled into this for the alt-rock and the shower sex, not the spacefaring or fanservice they crammed into the later seasons to draw the die-hards back in. You’re the cool friend in the group of geeky guys, but you’re happy to be there. You’ll never share their passion, but something about sci-fi and/or fantasy does speak to you on some level you can’t quite articulate. You don’t own a uniform, but you may have a Federation mug laying around somewhere, and you might’ve been to NASA at some point. Might’ve.
You prefer your women loose and your men Scott Bakula
Favorite Music Genres: Heavy metal, alt-rock, anything with a warlock on the album cover
JJ ABRAMS STAR TREK UNIVERSE
You are a Star Wars fan.