What we’re going to do here is an exercise in self-evaluation. Much like our previous Horror Movie Monster Personality Quiz, you’ll be asked a series of questions and asked to choose a response that you most identify with. When you’ve finished, you’ll discover which classic Christmas movie hero has a personal ideology that most closely aligns with your own.
There are four potential characters you could be matched with. I’m not going to tell you who they are. You could skip to the end and then try to reverse engineer an outcome that pairs you and your favorite character, but that’s like unwrapping a gift before December 25th. You aren’t supposed to do that. It’s not in the spirit of the holiday. Enjoy the ride.
There is some light math involved in the proceedings, so it may be helpful to have a piece of paper and a pencil at the ready. If you can do the math in your head, then congratulations, you are Ralphie Parker, you big nerd.
In total, there are five questions. Good luck!
It’s a picture-perfect December night. You and your significant other are decorating the house and listening to classic Christmas records on vinyl. The two of you move closer, spontaneously breaking into a romantic slow-dance in the middle of your living room. It’s all so silly and beautiful and romantic. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. The moment, temporarily, is spoiled by Christmas fate. Rolling her eyes in mock frustration, your spouse goes to answer the door. After a minute, she calls out from the foyer, “It’s just Carolers, honey!” How do you react?
- (1 Point) You LOVE Christmas carols. All of them. You’ll ham it up for Frosty The Snowman and church it up for Holy Night. You rush to the door and join in, loudly, for the last verse of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, much to your wife’s chagrin.
- (2 Points) Hearing the beautiful voices rise, soar, really, through the night sky takes you back to your youth. Unexpectedly, a lump forms in your throat. You didn’t expect to be this emotional. Nostalgia is a funny thing. From afar, you watch your wife watching the Carolers. You marvel at how beautiful she is, her smiling face awash in the glow of the moon.
- (3 Points) You pace around the house. Furious that the Carolers have ruined your night, you spend the next ten minutes muttering colorful non-sequiturs and dreaming up different ways the singers can go fuck themselves.
- (4 Points) You recently finished watching Love Actually. Suddenly paranoid that these “Carolers” may, in fact, be your best friend trying to steal your wife from you with corny flashcards, you decide to take action. You pelt the group with rocks, set them on fire, and then call the police. On them.
You’ve joined a charity group that fills stockings for families who have difficulty affording gifts. What goes in those stockings is entirely up to you. What will you put in the stockings?
- (1 Point) You’ll fill it with as much candy as possible. And ornaments! And more candy! You’ll fill it with cotton so it looks like the stockings were covered in snow. Oh wow, this is going to be so great. How fun! You can only hope the children will be as excited as you are when they open them.
- (2 Points) This is a charity for underprivileged children and we’re giving them socks filled with candy? That will never do. No. You go to the bank and empty your savings account, stuffing each stocking with as much cash as it can hold.
- (3 Points) Kids like kid stuff. Junk food, baseball cards, firecrackers, candy, fabric softener, action figures, things like that.
- (4 Points) You’re going to take the stockings and wear them as socks. It’s wintertime. It’s freezing. You’re sure as hell not going barefoot.
Consider the following: You have an unlimited amount of candy, frosting, and gingerbread. You can make a gingerbread house, however, your heart desires. Describe the home you make.
- (1 Point) You take one look at your unlimited supplies and decide that making just one home would be a waste. You stay up all night making an entire gingerbread town, with gingerbread residents working inside gingerbread buildings. By the time the sun rises, you’ve created an exact replica, to scale, of Times Square.
- (2 Points) You consider it selfish to make yourself, and only yourself, a gingerbread home. You divide the supplies evenly and give them to your neighbors so they can enjoy the joys of gingerbread home building as well.
- (3 Points) You build a standard-issue gingerbread home. Gumdrops on the roof, candy cane gate, chocolate wreaths. From the outside, it doesn’t appear special. What you haven’t told anyone is that you’ve rubbed raw chicken all over the house and so if anyone attempts to take a part of it they’ll get salmonella poisoning.
- (4 Points) Ever the resourceful one, you use all the materials available to you and build a gingerbread skyscraper.
In three words, what type of person would take a job as a department store Santa?
- (1 Point) Dirty. Rotten. Scoundrel.
- (2 Points) Messenger of Joy.
- (3 Points) Assistant to Santa.
- (4 Points) Probable sex offender.
You are hosting a holiday party. While greeting your guests with a hug, you notice a lump in a friend’s jacket. You reach into his pocket and pull out a sizable bag of cocaine. To further complicate matters, one of the partygoers happens to be a police officer. What do you do?
- (1 Point) You take the cocaine. You love cocaine. How else would it be possible for you to stay up all night making gingerbread towns and singing Christmas carols and making paper snowflakes? You think that’s a sugar rush? Please.
- (2 Points) Take the blame for the meth possession. Put your life on hold and go to jail for your friend. Hope that he learns a valuable lesson and gets the help that he needs.
- (3 Points) Tell your friend that he can have his stash back if he can catch you first. Take off running throughout the house, causing your friend to stumble around in a morass of physical and emotional stress. Once you are sufficiently bored in toying with him, alert the police officer as you should have done from the start.
- (4 Points) Arrest him. You are the police officer at the party. The only white powder inside your house will be the freshly fallen snow, knocked gently to the welcome mat from the boots of your guests.
This concludes the Christmas Movie Hero Personality Quiz. Please take a moment to tally your score before continuing.
IF YOU RECEIVED 5 POINTS OR LESS YOU ARE…
Buddy The Elf!
You’re a love it or leave it type of person. People that meet you are either going to be drawn to your manic, relentless energy or repulsed by it. You’re the type of person who loves boasting that you’re “high on life”, but the whispers of your secretive extra-curricular habits grow louder with every insane holiday stunt you pull. You’ll never change completely, but you could stand to take it down a notch or two.
IF YOU RECEIVED BETWEEN 6 AND 10 POINTS YOU ARE…
You are the most selfless, kind person in your circle, and probably mine as well. You are constantly putting the needs of others above your own. Your friends and family love you more than you will ever know. It would literally take an act of God for you to get out of your own way and see your self-worth. The world needs more people like you.
IF YOU RECEIVED BETWEEN 11 AND 15 POINTS YOU ARE…
You truly are a kid at heart. You are also, in all likelihood, a criminally dangerous sociopath destined to do awful things in your life. This is not entirely your fault. You have mommy issues. You have daddy issues. Brother and sister issues. Cousin issues. Uncle issues. You’ve got serious issues.
IF YOU RECEIVED BETWEEN 16 AND 20 POINTS YOU ARE…
Your tough exterior belies a soft, caring heart. Underneath the layers of profanity and violence, you use as a mask to cover your true self is a person who has more in common with Tiny Tim than Scrooge. God bless you, John McClane, God bless us, everyone.